I’m a Mommy Too!

just thought i’d post a little update… we’re doing pretty great, though of course very tired!

we’ve had two nights at home.  the first was a little hairy, which i think is the norm.  last night was ten times better, especially because the feeding is going better.  nate, d and i have been working so hard.  the house feels like a disaster, but gradually we’ll get used to having ten times more things on our plate than we’re used to.  i was commenting today that our life was already full and busy, and now there’s a whole new life’s worth of things to do.

here’s a pic i love:

that isn’t really what he looks like most of the time, but it’s really cute.  here’s documentation of his first trip to the pediatrician:

but of course that one doesn’t show is amazing hair.  you can, however, appreciate his nose, right?  what kind of baby nose is that?  it’s irresistible.  there are more pics in my flickr account, but i can’t really post them all here i guess.

the first day or two, i started feeling really confused about my role.  what he needs more than anything is to eat, and it’s hard that only d can give him that.  i know people adopt all the time, but it’s really weird when someone else is breast feeding.  i was just feeling so… extra.  why am i here?  i called a friend whose partner recently gave birth, just to vent and ask if she had felt similarly.  she absolutely did, and sometimes still does.  it doesn’t bother me that she still struggles with it at times — we all keep evolving, and her struggle changes, and mine will too.  so will everyone’s.  she gave me a great pep talk about how ground-breaking this is, how we have each other to look to for support, but not that many people really get it.  in more practical terms, she told me that i cannot allow nate to know any of my fears.  she told me to take off my shirt and get some skin to skin time.  i tried that, i told her, but he got confused and wanted to nurse.  she told me so what, he’ll figure it out, and so will you.  he has two mothers, and he needs to know it.  so that second night, when it was my turn to sit up, i sat in the glider with my shirt off and he fell asleep.  woke up a few hours later in bed, with him sleeping on my chest.  i have no idea how or when i got into bed!  but it was the best i’d seen him sleep.  my heart felt so full when i saw that, and i felt so proud.

i feel really comfortable with babies, and that’s in my favor right now — i’m not insecure about taking care of a newborn.  i didn’t expect to be thrown for such a loop.  it isn’t just that we’re two moms; i think a lot of the challenge is the fact that we are both primary caregivers.  there’s no default go-to person, which isn’t really common.  we were both raised by two parents who were/are totally involved in our lives, but we haven’t seen this co-parenting thing done.  my parents each parented individually (at least as far back as i can remember), and d’s mom was always definitely primary.  co-parenting is totally new to us, and we don’t know yet how the division of labor will look.

we’re definitely making it up as we go along, as all new parents do.  i feel like we have an extra challenge because we have so few role models.  none in the public sphere, really.  but what else is new?  i turn on the tv, open a magazine, go online.  i have to search REALLY hard to find inspiration and modeling of what i want.  lesbian moms, you know what i mean.  there isn’t much looking outward (don’t get me wrong — there’s some), more looking inward.  at what we really believe, what our strengths truly are.  no gender roles to fall back on, no prescribed tasks.  exciting.  but it means we have to dig deep and find out what we want our life to look like.

can do.

what a weekend, what a wife, what a baby.

nathaniel oscar was born monday, march 24 at 8:16.am  the labor and delivery were pretty rough, but they’re not exactly mine to tell publicly!  i do just want to brag about how unbelievable d is.  i know every says that after they see their wives in labor, but to see this woman in action — it was such a privilege.  i knew she was emotionally and mentally strong, but it turns out she’s a powerhouse physically, as well. (not an athlete, my ass!)  as for nate, he is exceptionally beautiful.  pictures soon.

thank you all so much for your comments, emails, calls, etc.  d and i are exhausted and drunk with love — for nate and for our huge support network.  what’s that about it taking a village???

yesterday marked 37 weeks, which means that d can give birth at the birth center, since she’s considered full term.  well, last night she celebrated by going into labor!  it became clear over the course of a few hours that her water had broken.  the crazy thing is that our dear friend and doula happened to be at our house, the three of us were making our birth plan.  after some discussion with the midwife, she advised us to stay home and get some rest, since there were no contractions and d is gbs negative.  d’s mother came by train a little before midnight, and we all went to bed a couple of hours after that.  we were up and down all night (especially d), but got a good few hours sleep in the early morning.  we went to the birth center around 8 this morning, for a non-stress test and some bloodwork, as well as vital signs.  everything looks perfect — he’s happy in there, moving around, doing what he’s supposed to be doing.

so now we’re home.  we took naps, we’re watching bad reality tv, timing contractions, reading magazines… all the stuff people say you do in early labor!  my sister decided to fly down for the big event, so she’ll be here this evening.  the midwife (who has a gazillion years experience and is great) said that oxytocin levels tend to go up in the evening, so we’ll see what happens later on!

stay tuned…

d and i are in heaven.  our best girls came over with their sleeves rolled up.  with the four of us hard at work today, we got major stuff moved to the basement; vacuumed the whole downstairs, the nursery, our bedroom including under the bed, the stairs, part of the basement; put the rug down; arranged the furniture; put the swing together; the pack and play together; the bouncy seat together; the stroller together.  did 3 loads of baby laundry (no, that’s not even all his clothes); 2 loads of grown-up laundry; got rid of all the boxes the stuff came in.  unpacked some of baby’s books into the bookcase; cleaned the litter boxes; put away various and sundry.

don’t know if i’ve ever felt so satisfied!

we spent last weekend in nyc, for baby shower #2.  we had lots of fun — and got LOTS of stuff.  we got home and realized we’ve gotten almost every single big item!  the only thing we hadn’t received was the co-sleeper, so we used a generous check from a family friend, and got that too.  then on monday, there was a shower for me at work!  they shopped off the registry, which is equally exciting because i got so many adorable outfits and hats and washcloths and receiving blankets, etc.  my favorite thing is a little ad*das track suit, red and blue.

this weekend is more baby stuff — the house!  now that d is 36 weeks (and two days!) i’m feeling like it’s time to really go for it with the preparation.  easier said than done.  we’re almost done with the nursery (i think?) and today is baby’s first laundry!  i asked one of the midwives whether it was perhaps a myth that you should wash all the baby’s clothes first?  an old wives’ tale?  she said it can’t hurt, babies are more sensitive to dyes, lint, stuff like that.  she said wash it with special baby soap and do an extra rinse.  the midwives are all pretty laid back, so i figure if they recommend it, i may as well.  if he were biologically related to me, i’d figure he’s come out of the womb sneezing.  regardless, though, you never know if he’ll have extra sensitive skin.  and considering how much stuff he has, i may as well get on it!

so, here’s what we’re getting done.

the nursery — clean up the floor (paint drips), arrange the furniture, put down the rug
vacuuming — all three floors
laundry — our stuff and baby’s
clean linen closet — make room for more storage
put the books (ours and baby’s) and bookcases (ours and baby’s) where they need to be
get some gear put together

that last one seems to be the hardest!  d is - by her own admission - terrible at following directions, it’s one of her funny quirks.  and i’m having trouble staying still long enough to accomplish one task.  i keep going up and down the stairs, rearranging things, and telling d she’s doing things wrong.  did you know there’s a right and wrong way and time to put baby books on shelves?  don’t worry, i’m here to help.

has anyone else noticed that in the democratic primary, everyone calls the candidates by their first names?  anyone agree that it is not a coincidence that we do that now, when the candidates are a black man and a woman?  i know that clinton’s signs say “hillary,” and we have to distinguish between her and her husband.  i think the media supposedly use her first name for the same reason.  but sometimes people write “mrs. clinton,” which also burns me up, because doesn’t “senator clinton” make the distinction?!

i found this list of 100 reasons to support hillary, while browsing a new favorite blog.  pretty interesting.

lastly: mau.reen do.wd is a raging misogynist.

i haven’t turned into a rabid clinton supporter or anything; but i was wicked excited last night.  i’m working nights tonight and tomorrow, so i stayed up late (i got up early this morning and i’ll take a nap before i go to work).  i was watching something on ti.vo and around 1am, i went back to live tv and saw the news!  i don’t know if she can beat mccain, but considering obama outspends her 3-1 (or some such number) and she won texas anyway… well, it’s something to think about.

last night we had our second (of four) birth classes.  we really like the teacher, and i like having the time to bond with d and the baby.  and for that time, i feel like i’m doing exactly what i should be doing.

when things go well, i’m happy but… confused.  worrying is a full time job, not as my paid one.  but what can i say?  it’s my calling.  however.  our baby is healthy; d is healthy; things are coming together.  as we speak, there are two guys in our nursery, putting together the crib.  i put annie in our bedroom to keep her from going nuts at them when they came inside, and she got out.  disaster!  but no, she just barked once and is now laying by my feet in the dining room, totally well behaved.  crazy.

but i haven’t shown you all the mural yet!

come on, tell me that’s not the cutest thing you’ve ever seen.  i dare you!

last week when i got to work, there was a sign up about my baby shower.  the sign is right in the break room, in front of you when you walk into the room, along with announcements and stuff like that.  it’s a weird experience.  i’m out at work, but there are a lot of staff members including nurses, docs, admin staff, etc, whom i’ve never had occasion to come out to (so of course they assume i’m straight, i mean i have long hair!).  so now every day there’s someone who looks at me confused and says “you’re pregnant?!”  cause i may have a leeeettle bit of a belly, but not like i’m 34 weeks along.  and i say “no, my partner is,” or “i’m married to a woman, she’s pregnant” — something along those lines.  it’s interesting; i am learning that there are people i’ve purposely not come out to.  it’s hard for me to admit that.  it’s just that i have an irritating desire for everyone to approve of me — i’m working on getting that under control!  and i guess this is helping, because i will never not be out.  my co-workers have been great - in that they don’t seem to care much, other than some curiosity - and that sets the standard for those that might otherwise show some homophobia.  and truly, i think it’s a good thing that i’m being pushed into coming out.  it’s good practice for when the baby arrives!  i’m going to (try to) model openness about who i am, who i love, what’s important to me… all that stuff.  our kids might even know that it’s hard for me, that would be okay.

okay, but then the other day i walked into a patient’s room, and the patient’s daughter asked “you’re pregnant?”  i was caught off guard, and just said “noooo….” and her sister said “you just had a baby?” still totally confused.  “there’s another kira?” “noooo…”  turns out they went to get some water from the breakroom, and saw the sign.  that made me really uncomfortable.  when i told them, they were very sweet.  but i never come out to patients.  i mean if they asked, i guess i would.  but no one really asks, and even though some people might volunteer private information about husbands and kids and even moms and sisters, i really don’t.  i wonder if i’d be different with a husband, i’m not sure.

i guess i’m just learning to navigate the world as a lesbian mom, and it’s not that easy!