I’m a Mommy Too!

surprise, surprise — it’s a bit harder than it used to be to find time to blog!  nate sleeps less during the day than he used to, but he is not yet old enough to entertain himself for very long.  right now he’s in his little vibrating chair, and it looks like he’s on the verge of getting tired of it.

on workdays, i get home around 8pm and i’m exhausted.  on non-workdays, i only have time if d isn’t working.  and even then, there is plenty of other stuff to do!

i put up some new flickr pics — for those who got my snapfish link though, they’re the same.  but to give everyone an idea of why blogging just doesn’t hold my attention the way it used to, here’s heaven in my home:

we got legally married in massachusetts in august 2005, a few weeks before our big (illegal!) ceremony.  it was tiny and fun and we loved our justice of the peace.  but it didn’t feel like our real wedding.  i almost didn’t believe we were married afterwards.  i’ve gotten used to valuing our marriage in our own hearts and with the love and support of family and friends — but i think i’ve learned to try to make that enough.  the idea of having the support of a greater community - society at large, even strangers - is amazing to me.  on an intellectual level, it’s amazing that anyone cares enough to stop me and d from getting married.  but in my heart, it’s incredible to imagine - strangers - supporting our relationship.

it’s wonderful, but it’s almost scary.  many of us have built our relationship in a little cocoon, and when i allow myself to “go there,” it’s like a whole wide world blowing open.

last night nate fell asleep around 8pm, enabling us to have dinner, talk, watch tv, catch up on life stuff… we were worried he’d be up all night.  BUT.  he ate around 11, went back to sleep; ate around 3, went back to sleep.  he woke up early, but considering he’d been sleeping since 8pm, we were still impressed.

we kept waking up last night and wondering how he could be sleeping so well (he was in the co-sleeper most of the night).  d got him up around 6, and brought him back to bed to announce that he looked bigger than yesterday, and he’s smiling!  so that’s what he was working on all night!  he is definitely going through a growth spurt, no doubt about that.  the books say social smiling starts around 6-10 weeks, and we’re not in any rush.  right now it’s hard to tell if he’s smiling in response to us, or just playing around with his face.  either way, it’s gorgeous!  his smile looks different than i expected — i was saying to d that it looks really mischievous!  i’ll see if i can capture it on film.

i worked last weekend and sunday was really hard.  it wasn’t super busy, just really painful emotionally.  i am really good at remaining fairly detached from work and patients — although i’m very emotional in my “real life,” somehow i just feel different at work.  but this patient on sunday, he (well, his situation really) just busted right through that wall.  just heart-breaking.  i have a sense of peace about the care i provided, but it felt so heavy, and the 20 minute drive home was not enough to shake the feelings.  i hate bringing that energy into the house, but i know i can’t protect nate from it.  fear, death, grief, all of that is part of the world, and what he’ll experience.  all of it exists alongside joy, love, exhilaration, and i show/provide those things, too.  there is just this huge desire to have him know only the good stuff.

nate weighs 9 pounds 9 ounces!  actually that was a few days ago, so now he’s even bigger.  he and d had some extra challenges with feeding, so i’m proud as a peacock.  he’s spending lots more time awake, and a bit more time crying, too.  but now that he’s almost 6 weeks old, he can be soothed by things besides eating!  so i don’t feel as helpless (”here, d, he’s crying”).  nights continue to be up and down: sometimes he sleeps well and wakes only to eat, but usually we each take at least one turn getting up with him and comforting him.  occasionally he seems to refuse to sleep unless he’s being held.

nate’s favorite thing, by far, is bath time.  he and d get into the nice warm water, and he gets completely serene.  i could never tire of watching his face in there: looking around, cooing, sucking his fingers.  we dribble water over his head and he looks so peaceful!  d would shower 10 times a day if she could, and it seems like nate got that gene!  afterwards he gets bundled in his little towel and we brush his hair.  actually we’ve learned to put a diaper on him immediately. ;)

we’re gradually getting adoption stuff done.  the lawyers are almost done with the paperwork (a little behind because he surprised us early), and we learned recently that in addition to having child abuse clearance checks done (which we both do for our jobs anyway), we have to get fingerprinted by the fbi.  we’re too tired to be offended at this point (oh no, are we losing our edge?), but it’s annoying to do anything extra when you are working so hard just to function and not fall asleep at weird times.

in some ways this new life/lifestyle feels so simple.  everything revolves around nate; our priorities are decided for us.  at the same time, though, we are both pushing ourselves really hard.  d is seeing private clients, which means figuring out our schedules (we’ve never had to coordinate so much), his eating, calling on friends and family to babysit, being okay with reaching out for help.  she’s a great therapist, but she’s working with less sleep and more distraction and she’s never had to deal with fees before, which is stressful and complicated.  i’m feeling more competent at my job, but instead of finding that i can phone it in, so to speak, i am almost less settled.  i have higher expectations of myself, and others do too.  i like that about my job, but i guess i didn’t realize i would take so long to let my guard down and relax a bit.  there is always more responsibility, and new goals.  and of course there’s the issue of missing nate.  it still stings every day.

i think we are both being taken to a different level of emotion, and it’s both surprising and totally expected.  it feels so human.