I’m a Mommy Too!

we take our stuffed animals seriously in this family!

we’re starting to figure out nate’s schedule.  for the first couple of months (he’s ten weeks today!) we basically did whatever we felt like, and just brought him along.  for the last week or so, he’s definitely been letting us know that those days are over.  if his crying is persistent, we know he’s serious — generally, he’s pretty easy-going, and easy to soothe.

i definitely have an idea of what a schedule will eventually look like.  the goal is to have him in the co-sleeper, and then in the crib, and also of course to have him there before we go to bed, so that we can be downstairs without him.  and let’s not forget sleeping through the night.  okay, but how to get there from here?  “here” being sleeping in the bed with us, waking up every few hours to nurse and go back to sleep.

i’m doing lots of reading, but putting it into practice is so much harder.  when we’re tired and have to get up early, it’s much easier to just bring him into bed than to have him stay in the co-sleeper.  and also, we’ve been uncharacteristically relaxed with nate, and it feels really good.  so i don’t want to get all stressed about when he should be sleeping, whether he’s on the right schedule, etc.  we’re trying to take cues from him, and incorporate that with what we know, and what we need.

so… any advice on where to start?

nate got his first round of real vaccines the other day.  i guess i was hoping against hope that it wouldn’t be that bad, that he might not really notice — but he HATED it.  he doesn’t scream that often, at least not for very long.  but it was a rough day after that.  he was pretty inconsolable, totally unlike him.  poor j had to babysit with him like that.

but i alsmost started crying, myself!  it’s so cliche, but when the nurse said the last one (of four) burns a little, and then she did it and he let out that screech… my heart just broke in two.

what was also hard was that the only thing that calmed him down was breastfeeding.  we had planned to put him right on d’s breast because obviously it’s the most comforting thing for him.  and it helped, and that’s what mattered, and it’s still hard sometimes.  d keeps reminding me that this phase - him being interested in only sleeping and eating - is time limited.  she told me that a friend of hers, also a new mom, said that when her baby really started smiling and interacting, it felt incredible because there was a real relationship, not just doing for the kid.  it really resonated for me.  i love this phase, i’ve always loved infants.  but just like everyone says, it’s really trying at times!  i look forward to a time when he looks at me and says, in his own way, i see you, or this is fun, or i love you, or even thank you!  and a giggle counts as a thank you, for sure.  it takes a lot of confidence to trust that even though he doesn’t know me the way he knows d (her smell, or just that comfort is near), we do have a connection.  and i am important, it’s just hard for him to express it right now.

making this much more difficult is working.  i’m really sick of my job right now, i think because i know i’m leaving (albeit temporarily) in a few weeks.  i really like the work i do, but there are a couple of people really making it difficult for me to enjoy.  i think taking two whole months will be wonderful for my relationship with nate, and will lessen my work resentment.

meanwhile, it’s an incredible joy and privilege watching nate… live.  it’s just unbelievable to witness his development, and to see a tiny person who lives completely in his own self.  each moment is just what it is, each need gets all his focus.  i think every day i comment on his complete lack of self-consciousness.  it’s truly inspiring!

also, we saw sex and the city and we loved it!

surprise, surprise — it’s a bit harder than it used to be to find time to blog!  nate sleeps less during the day than he used to, but he is not yet old enough to entertain himself for very long.  right now he’s in his little vibrating chair, and it looks like he’s on the verge of getting tired of it.

on workdays, i get home around 8pm and i’m exhausted.  on non-workdays, i only have time if d isn’t working.  and even then, there is plenty of other stuff to do!

i put up some new flickr pics — for those who got my snapfish link though, they’re the same.  but to give everyone an idea of why blogging just doesn’t hold my attention the way it used to, here’s heaven in my home:

last night nate fell asleep around 8pm, enabling us to have dinner, talk, watch tv, catch up on life stuff… we were worried he’d be up all night.  BUT.  he ate around 11, went back to sleep; ate around 3, went back to sleep.  he woke up early, but considering he’d been sleeping since 8pm, we were still impressed.

we kept waking up last night and wondering how he could be sleeping so well (he was in the co-sleeper most of the night).  d got him up around 6, and brought him back to bed to announce that he looked bigger than yesterday, and he’s smiling!  so that’s what he was working on all night!  he is definitely going through a growth spurt, no doubt about that.  the books say social smiling starts around 6-10 weeks, and we’re not in any rush.  right now it’s hard to tell if he’s smiling in response to us, or just playing around with his face.  either way, it’s gorgeous!  his smile looks different than i expected — i was saying to d that it looks really mischievous!  i’ll see if i can capture it on film.

i worked last weekend and sunday was really hard.  it wasn’t super busy, just really painful emotionally.  i am really good at remaining fairly detached from work and patients — although i’m very emotional in my “real life,” somehow i just feel different at work.  but this patient on sunday, he (well, his situation really) just busted right through that wall.  just heart-breaking.  i have a sense of peace about the care i provided, but it felt so heavy, and the 20 minute drive home was not enough to shake the feelings.  i hate bringing that energy into the house, but i know i can’t protect nate from it.  fear, death, grief, all of that is part of the world, and what he’ll experience.  all of it exists alongside joy, love, exhilaration, and i show/provide those things, too.  there is just this huge desire to have him know only the good stuff.

nate weighs 9 pounds 9 ounces!  actually that was a few days ago, so now he’s even bigger.  he and d had some extra challenges with feeding, so i’m proud as a peacock.  he’s spending lots more time awake, and a bit more time crying, too.  but now that he’s almost 6 weeks old, he can be soothed by things besides eating!  so i don’t feel as helpless (”here, d, he’s crying”).  nights continue to be up and down: sometimes he sleeps well and wakes only to eat, but usually we each take at least one turn getting up with him and comforting him.  occasionally he seems to refuse to sleep unless he’s being held.

nate’s favorite thing, by far, is bath time.  he and d get into the nice warm water, and he gets completely serene.  i could never tire of watching his face in there: looking around, cooing, sucking his fingers.  we dribble water over his head and he looks so peaceful!  d would shower 10 times a day if she could, and it seems like nate got that gene!  afterwards he gets bundled in his little towel and we brush his hair.  actually we’ve learned to put a diaper on him immediately. ;)

we’re gradually getting adoption stuff done.  the lawyers are almost done with the paperwork (a little behind because he surprised us early), and we learned recently that in addition to having child abuse clearance checks done (which we both do for our jobs anyway), we have to get fingerprinted by the fbi.  we’re too tired to be offended at this point (oh no, are we losing our edge?), but it’s annoying to do anything extra when you are working so hard just to function and not fall asleep at weird times.

in some ways this new life/lifestyle feels so simple.  everything revolves around nate; our priorities are decided for us.  at the same time, though, we are both pushing ourselves really hard.  d is seeing private clients, which means figuring out our schedules (we’ve never had to coordinate so much), his eating, calling on friends and family to babysit, being okay with reaching out for help.  she’s a great therapist, but she’s working with less sleep and more distraction and she’s never had to deal with fees before, which is stressful and complicated.  i’m feeling more competent at my job, but instead of finding that i can phone it in, so to speak, i am almost less settled.  i have higher expectations of myself, and others do too.  i like that about my job, but i guess i didn’t realize i would take so long to let my guard down and relax a bit.  there is always more responsibility, and new goals.  and of course there’s the issue of missing nate.  it still stings every day.

i think we are both being taken to a different level of emotion, and it’s both surprising and totally expected.  it feels so human.

we spent some really lovely time together the last couple of days.  i slept in in saturday morning and woke to d calling me from the bathroom — she and nate were in the bath together!  i had discouraged it, because i was nervous about how slippery he is and you never know… anyway, she convinced me to get in with them, and it was the most special thing ever.  nate loved the warm water, he got completely quiet and just stared around.  it was magical. 

we had a couple of friends come over saturday morning to meet the baby (and bring us bagels), then in the evening we decided to get adventurous.  some friends were going out for dinner at a place that is family friendly during the day, but at night it’s loud and trendy.  we really wanted to go, and he’s more portable now than he ever will be again.  so all three of us changed our outfits, and gave it a shot.  we figured we could always take food home, if it didn’t work out.  but as it happened, he slept through the whole thing.  the music was loud, but i think he sort of liked it because of the beat.  we had lots of fun, and i felt good that sometimes we can still do the stuff we used to do.  this morning we slept in, and then laid in bed cooing.  i turned him over for some tummy time, and it was so much fun.  he was totally focused, doing the most intense push-ups you can imagine.  he got half his body over onto his back, and a few minutes later he was all the way over.  i put him back, and he did it again.  i know this probably sounds mundane to many of you, but watching him focus that way, it was incredible.

here’s something amazing: being with nate makes me feel more present than i ever have before.  when i sit with him and we stare at each other, i feel like it’s the only thing i have to be doing, the only place i have to be.  that’s something that’s always really hard for me, to be in the moment.  but with him, every tiny moment feels… momentous?

april 24 — that makes nate a month old!  to honor the occasion, i added him to my health insurance.  as dorky as it sounds, it was really exciting.  gave them his social security number and everything.  it’s just really moving for me to think about him being on my benefits.

nate is really a good baby.  i think he cries less than lots of kids, which i feel lucky for!  when he does cry, he scares the hell out of me with that huge cry that empties his lungs, then there’s a loooooong pause before he takes a breath.  i hate it!  he loves to eat, but often falls asleep before he gets full.  then half an hour later, he’s furious that he’s still hungry!  we’re getting glimpses of his little smile, when he stumbles into one by mistake.  generally, if he’s awake and looking around and not crying, i figure he’s happy.

everyone said he would lose his hair, but so far he hasn’t.  his eyes are darker than they were when he was born, but they’re still bluish grayish, not the brown i imagined before he was born.

he loves the sling and the baby bj*rn, he seems to be growing out of one style of pacifier and into another, or just growing out of the passy thing altogether.  he loves to sit upright on our bent legs, looking at us and conducting his own invisible orchestra.  the only thing that stops the conducting is being swaddled, which works like magic.  until mama checks, double checks, and triple checks to see if he’s still breathing.

he doesn’t care if his diaper is dirty, but he hates when it’s wet.  and he doesn’t complain too much getting it changed, although the bath makes him miserable!

his favorite spot when he’s awake is his little vibrating chair, which has plush animals hanging from it.  he just stares and stares.  here he is on his one-month birthday, in said chair.

i’m so glad it’s almost over!  this election is just getting on my nerves at this point.  it’s so ugly.  but we love to vote, and it was exciting bringing nate into the booth.  here he is on his first election day.

okay, so it’s more us than him, but there are his feet!

in other news, last night was our best night’s sleep in four weeks!  he slept solidly - in his co-sleeper - from midnight until 3am, and then after eating, he went back to sleep - in his co-sleeper - until 7am.  neither of us had to get up with him, d just fed him in bed and he drifted off.  no rocking, no gliding, no swinging, no walking.  it was amazing!