I’m a Mommy Too!

we got legally married in massachusetts in august 2005, a few weeks before our big (illegal!) ceremony.  it was tiny and fun and we loved our justice of the peace.  but it didn’t feel like our real wedding.  i almost didn’t believe we were married afterwards.  i’ve gotten used to valuing our marriage in our own hearts and with the love and support of family and friends — but i think i’ve learned to try to make that enough.  the idea of having the support of a greater community - society at large, even strangers - is amazing to me.  on an intellectual level, it’s amazing that anyone cares enough to stop me and d from getting married.  but in my heart, it’s incredible to imagine - strangers - supporting our relationship.

it’s wonderful, but it’s almost scary.  many of us have built our relationship in a little cocoon, and when i allow myself to “go there,” it’s like a whole wide world blowing open.

last night nate fell asleep around 8pm, enabling us to have dinner, talk, watch tv, catch up on life stuff… we were worried he’d be up all night.  BUT.  he ate around 11, went back to sleep; ate around 3, went back to sleep.  he woke up early, but considering he’d been sleeping since 8pm, we were still impressed.

we kept waking up last night and wondering how he could be sleeping so well (he was in the co-sleeper most of the night).  d got him up around 6, and brought him back to bed to announce that he looked bigger than yesterday, and he’s smiling!  so that’s what he was working on all night!  he is definitely going through a growth spurt, no doubt about that.  the books say social smiling starts around 6-10 weeks, and we’re not in any rush.  right now it’s hard to tell if he’s smiling in response to us, or just playing around with his face.  either way, it’s gorgeous!  his smile looks different than i expected — i was saying to d that it looks really mischievous!  i’ll see if i can capture it on film.

i worked last weekend and sunday was really hard.  it wasn’t super busy, just really painful emotionally.  i am really good at remaining fairly detached from work and patients — although i’m very emotional in my “real life,” somehow i just feel different at work.  but this patient on sunday, he (well, his situation really) just busted right through that wall.  just heart-breaking.  i have a sense of peace about the care i provided, but it felt so heavy, and the 20 minute drive home was not enough to shake the feelings.  i hate bringing that energy into the house, but i know i can’t protect nate from it.  fear, death, grief, all of that is part of the world, and what he’ll experience.  all of it exists alongside joy, love, exhilaration, and i show/provide those things, too.  there is just this huge desire to have him know only the good stuff.