I’m a Mommy Too!

nate weighs 9 pounds 9 ounces!  actually that was a few days ago, so now he’s even bigger.  he and d had some extra challenges with feeding, so i’m proud as a peacock.  he’s spending lots more time awake, and a bit more time crying, too.  but now that he’s almost 6 weeks old, he can be soothed by things besides eating!  so i don’t feel as helpless (”here, d, he’s crying”).  nights continue to be up and down: sometimes he sleeps well and wakes only to eat, but usually we each take at least one turn getting up with him and comforting him.  occasionally he seems to refuse to sleep unless he’s being held.

nate’s favorite thing, by far, is bath time.  he and d get into the nice warm water, and he gets completely serene.  i could never tire of watching his face in there: looking around, cooing, sucking his fingers.  we dribble water over his head and he looks so peaceful!  d would shower 10 times a day if she could, and it seems like nate got that gene!  afterwards he gets bundled in his little towel and we brush his hair.  actually we’ve learned to put a diaper on him immediately. ;)

we’re gradually getting adoption stuff done.  the lawyers are almost done with the paperwork (a little behind because he surprised us early), and we learned recently that in addition to having child abuse clearance checks done (which we both do for our jobs anyway), we have to get fingerprinted by the fbi.  we’re too tired to be offended at this point (oh no, are we losing our edge?), but it’s annoying to do anything extra when you are working so hard just to function and not fall asleep at weird times.

in some ways this new life/lifestyle feels so simple.  everything revolves around nate; our priorities are decided for us.  at the same time, though, we are both pushing ourselves really hard.  d is seeing private clients, which means figuring out our schedules (we’ve never had to coordinate so much), his eating, calling on friends and family to babysit, being okay with reaching out for help.  she’s a great therapist, but she’s working with less sleep and more distraction and she’s never had to deal with fees before, which is stressful and complicated.  i’m feeling more competent at my job, but instead of finding that i can phone it in, so to speak, i am almost less settled.  i have higher expectations of myself, and others do too.  i like that about my job, but i guess i didn’t realize i would take so long to let my guard down and relax a bit.  there is always more responsibility, and new goals.  and of course there’s the issue of missing nate.  it still stings every day.

i think we are both being taken to a different level of emotion, and it’s both surprising and totally expected.  it feels so human.

we spent some really lovely time together the last couple of days.  i slept in in saturday morning and woke to d calling me from the bathroom — she and nate were in the bath together!  i had discouraged it, because i was nervous about how slippery he is and you never know… anyway, she convinced me to get in with them, and it was the most special thing ever.  nate loved the warm water, he got completely quiet and just stared around.  it was magical. 

we had a couple of friends come over saturday morning to meet the baby (and bring us bagels), then in the evening we decided to get adventurous.  some friends were going out for dinner at a place that is family friendly during the day, but at night it’s loud and trendy.  we really wanted to go, and he’s more portable now than he ever will be again.  so all three of us changed our outfits, and gave it a shot.  we figured we could always take food home, if it didn’t work out.  but as it happened, he slept through the whole thing.  the music was loud, but i think he sort of liked it because of the beat.  we had lots of fun, and i felt good that sometimes we can still do the stuff we used to do.  this morning we slept in, and then laid in bed cooing.  i turned him over for some tummy time, and it was so much fun.  he was totally focused, doing the most intense push-ups you can imagine.  he got half his body over onto his back, and a few minutes later he was all the way over.  i put him back, and he did it again.  i know this probably sounds mundane to many of you, but watching him focus that way, it was incredible.

here’s something amazing: being with nate makes me feel more present than i ever have before.  when i sit with him and we stare at each other, i feel like it’s the only thing i have to be doing, the only place i have to be.  that’s something that’s always really hard for me, to be in the moment.  but with him, every tiny moment feels… momentous?

sometimes a nurse’s schedule is just excellent.  i had off friday, the weekend, monday, and today (tuesday) — didn’t even use any vacation days!  granted, i’ll be working 12 hour shifts next weekend, but most of the time it really feels worth it.

we had a really fun, eventful weekend.  we spent several hours on the road saturday, made it up to boston by late afternoon.  d has been desperate for a swim lately, it’s all she wants to do!  so she and j went swimming at our hotel, while e and i did some errands.  then we went to my friend’s house, she and i have been friends since i was 3 years old.  she made the most extraordinary indian meal.  i knew she could cook, but damn!  from start to finish — homemade papadam, main dishes, naan, kir, chai.  ooh, and my favorite part, mango lassi!  slumber party with j and e that night in the hotel, and then sunday was our (first) baby shower.

 there’s me and my baby mama!

we had such a lovely time, and got the CUTEST stuff.  we had registered for the basics, but seriously the outfits we brought home are to die.  a few of us set out to pack it all into our car, and we almost made it.  one crate of books (aforementioned lifelong friend gave us 100!! books) had to go in mom’s car, but otherwise we crammed it all in and right after the shower drove all the way back home to philly!  j and e had to work monday, and even though we didn’t, we had an exciting day planned too.  because…

yesterday the artist arrived to start the mural!  i will plug her here, because she is talented and adorable and upstairs right now, creating something amazing (yes, we’ve been peeking).  also yesterday, there was much cuddling with the animals, plus a couple of medical appointments (one for each of us).  mine was not of interest to any of you, but d’s went great.  her uterus is measuring just right; baby boy b. seems to be head down already, although still “pivoting” on his head; heart rate is loud and strong.  we finally saw the midwife that really pissed us off last fall, and it was awkward but we shrugged it off.  she kind of doesn’t know when to shut up.  d would ask a question and the midwife would say something reassuring.  then, instead of leaving it at that, she would just. keep. talking.  “oh, it’s fine to have a few braxton hicks… a few a day?  totally normal… of course, if there are too many we start worrying because you’re only 33 weeks and obviously you can’t have your baby yet and in that case let us know because it’s bad very very bad…”  see what i’m saying?

today there will be much puttering (my favorite thing) and our first childbirth class!

i don’t usually mind the cold, but i’ve gotten spoiled by this warm winter.  we got the teeniest covering of snow yesterday and it’s already gone.  which makes annie happy — she hates the snow and wind, and here’s what she does on walks…

yup, she just sits.  get a load of the “equality dog” leash, her favorite.

i’m home sick today, it’s just a crappy cold but about the millionth since i started my job.  what’s so annoying about my job is that i have to call out sick by 4:00, which on day shift means 4am.  since i was feeling sick last night, i had to set my alarm to wake up and see how i felt.  well shit, who doesn’t feel horrible at 4am, when she has a 12-hour workday in front of her?  plus, if you were this patient…

would you want your nurse sneezing over you?  imagine all the places germs can get in?  endotracheal tubes and central lines and indwelling catheters, oh my. (this is a google image — i didn’t photograph any of my patients.)

last night i was lying in bed, speculating on who is going to win project runway (i tivo-ed it last night in an effort to get to sleep early) and wishing i was sleeping.  i was also enjoying the fact that i can still cozy up and expect a relatively uninterrupted night of sleep (not something i’ll have for too much longer).  and of course, i am employed at the worry tank.

 if you’re not familiar with this, my favorite new yorker cartoon ever, they’re all sitting around saying things like “what if it doesn’t work?” “what if it works all too well?” ”what if it all blows up in our faces?”  and if you’re not familiar with me, i’ll tell you that it is a bizarrely accurate depiction of yours truly.

so my appreciation of a quiet night was interrupted by my own brain, wondering if i will love being a parent as much as i have always imagined.  how could it ever be as great as our family is right now, just me and d and our little zoo?  blah blah blah, maybe this is just where my brain goes when my dreams are coming true.

so - my 32nd birthday was yesterday!  it was a really nice day — i got a facial in the morning; then we went shopping for baby furniture, which was the highlight.  we had an easy time choosing a crib and dresser, they’re white and we already have a hand-me-down white changing table, as well as a glider and bookcase.  so the nursery is definitely coming together!  we also decided on a stroller after a trip to babies r us, where i strolled our favorite around the store for a while.  we made some changes to our registry, and added some things we needed to see in person.

last night we went out for dinner with our girls, it was quite a night!  i loved my food, it was creative and yummy.  but as we were sitting waiting for our dessert, i saw a little something out of the corner of my eye, it seemed to be scurrying.  i was hoping to be wrong, but finally e (who is unfortunately afraid of rodents) confirmed that there was a MOUSE.  j thought it was a rat!  but i’m sticking with mouse.  we told the waiter and they were of course really embarrassed, apologetic, kept giving us more desserts!  finally the manager came over and told us our meal was on the house.  obviously.

today it was back to work, back to reality.  i walked in and saw my assignment, and glanced over at my patients’ rooms.  noticed that there was a huge crowd in one of the rooms, so i went over to see what was up.  the overnight nurse was cursing out the resident because the patient wasn’t properly sedated, and had coughed out her endotracheal tube.  obviously people only have breathing tubes if it seems like they need them - in this case for airway protection - and so there was much hubbub.  it’s murphy’s law that things like that (patients crashing, new admissions, etc) always happen at change of shift.  so, that was my welcome back after a week off!

yesterday i started freaking out about the next 3 months, about everything we have to do.  is that anything new?  but today, rather than obsess over it, i got to work.  i made an appointment with a lawyer; we registered for childbirth classes; i scheduled my dad’s visit (hoping for some help with the stuff i presume the babydaddy does, when there is one).

yesterday we got a sketch for the mural we’re having done!  it is absolutely perfect and we can’t wait to see the real thing.  it’s going to make the nursery so special, which is exactly what we want of course.

today was another prenatal visit, just routine and it went great.  heard his little heartbeat, and got lots of exciting paperwork like a birth plan, preliminary birth certificate stuff, pediatrician paperwork, and most fun — a list of suggested things to pack for the BIG DAY.

we’ve been so lazy since we got here on wednesday, it’s lovely.  but even on vacation, there are a few errands to be done!  this morning, it was the gas station, post office, drugstore, coffee shop, and then the beach.  my kind of errands!  bright sun, enormous waves, dog running up and down the shore.  barking like crazy, of course, trying to protect me from the ocean!  i couldn’t take my eyes off those waves, though.   

i spent some time this afternoon doing some financial organizing.  i now have two excel spreadsheets — a list of private loans, and a list of government loans.  it’s not pretty, people, but now i can get consolidated!  that will get me down to what i hope will be two manageable loan payments a month.  baby boy b. will be born into a more organized family.  speaking of which, now that the holidays are coming to an end (for most of the world they’re over; for me, they’re over after my birthday on the 15th!), we are getting started on some major baby prep.  nursery stuff, legal stuff, rest-of-the-house stuff, birth stuff, all the THINGS we need for such a tiny person…  

anyone out there familiar with halle berry and her love of pregnancy?  she’s apparently due any day now, and has never felt so great, looked so great, blah blah.  i’m not even pregnant, and i’m irritated by that talk.  apparently such beautiful people are immune to acne, backaches, constipation, anxiety, hemorrhoids, and all the other complaints of the third trimester that real women have!  there are just so many ways to make normal women feel bad about themselves! 

the power cord for my computer hasn’t been working — i’ve been borrowing d’s, but for some reason i just prefer to blog on my own computer.  finally got a new cord and now i’m back with my little guy.

the holidays were pretty uneventful, i guess.  i worked christmas eve and christmas day, as well as the 26th.  they were just totally normal workdays, which was weird.  we went out for fondue xmas eve, to keep up my dad’s family tradition, and d spoiled me a little bit not with gifts (there were those too), just taking care of me and making it a little christmas-y around here.

we went to r.i. on the 27th to see family — then sunday i went to nyc with my mom to see cymbeline, which was so fun!  it’s a strange play, one of shakespeare’s last.  but the production was just beautiful and there’s something magical about lincoln center (nyc in general) during the holidays.  ooh, and d and i saw juno.  it’s excellent!

and now i’m back to work!  we’re going away again next week, to d’s parents’ beach house while they’re in the city.  looking forward to that, although it means a bunch of days in a row beforehand.

it’s snowy here in philadelphia, and it’s actually sticking to the ground!

we bought our house more than two years ago (this is our third hanukkah here) and i’m still getting used to the chores and challenges that each season brings, as a homeowner.  leaves just got done, soon it will be snow!  i thought this would be a good time to describe our very interesting, very intense, neighborhood, which my mom calls mister rogers’ neighborhood.  it’s a short drive from center city, so it has the characteristics we like about urban life (close to things we like, different kinds of interesting people, etc).  but we also have some of the advantages to suburban life, like parking spots and woodsy areas to walk the dog.  there are lots of jewish lesbian therapists (which is what d is); lots of well-intentioned political correctness (we fit in); lots of babies (getting there); lots of dogs (check).

my best neighbor story will be familiar to some of you.  to preface the story, i’ll explain that we live in a row home, attached on both sides.  on one side is a woman, let’s call her donda.  we share a walkway, which runs between our front yards.  she’s very holier than thou, which is completely in the tradition of this ‘hood — hippies can be that way (am i really contributing to the problems of the world if i walk the wrong way around the coop?).  anyway, our driveways are around back, there’s an alley around the corner that you drive down, and all the driveways shoot off it.  we never use our driveway, and we sort of ignore the backyard.

okay, so donda is a fan of notes.  she sometimes writes them by hand, but more often she types them.  last year we got a note that was typed to the first few neighbors in from the corner, telling us that she was getting the alleyway behind our houses paved, so could we not use it on one particular day.  okay, no prob.  at the bottom she hand-wrote that perhaps we’d like to get our (admittedly crappy) driveway paved.  we left her a note back, saying thanks but no thanks — we don’t have a ton of money and even if we did, there are a dozen things we’d do in our house before the driveway that we never use.  okay, so she writes back (leaves a note in the middle of the night, it seems) that she understands, and she could pay for it; we could pay her back monthly.  i called d from work that day, and we agreed that that was not an option — we don’t want to be in debt to our neighbor!

when i got home, i looked out the back window, and our driveway was re-paved!  when called her to say “um, our driveway got re-paved when we said we didn’t want it to be,” she said no problem, we could take our time paying her back.  who IS this lady???  i mean who DOES that???  (no, we didn’t pay her back, and we’re not going to.)

on the other side is a hetero couple about our age, we’ll call them sharon and john.  when we first moved in, i was hoping they’d be cool people, having chosen to live in an integrated, progressive neighborhood.  it became clear pretty early on that that wasn’t the case, though… our first inkling was the first fall, when i was getting rid of the leaves in the front yard.  john was out on the porch (which was share, there’s a gate around our portion) smoking with some guy, and he called to me “how do you decide who blows the leaves?!”  which is not the most homophobic/sexist thing i’ve ever heard, but it does give you an idea of what he’s like. 

they just had a baby boy this past summer, named first, middle and last name after john (how original).  i’ve only seen the baby once, and d has never seen him.  d thinks sharon has post-partum depression, because she hardly ever leaves the house, and speaks even more rarely — john is definitely the spokesperson of the family.  when we started telling people d was pregnant, i saw john outside and told him (i tell almost everyone i see).  what does he say?  “tell her congratulations.”  ew!!  are you serious?  i was pretty offended by that, so i just said “thank you!  we’re really excited.”

lots of people around here are cool and interesting and don’t do nonconcensual work on other people’s houses; but i do think it’s annoying that our immediate neighbors suck.

this year’s holidays seem to be jinxed for me!  i had to work the day before and the day after thanksgiving, so we decided to drive up to nyc wednesday night and stay with d’s parents — then thanksgiving dinner was with family friends in new jersey.  afterwards, we had to go back to manhattan to get the dog, then drive back to philly so i could be at work early friday.  when we left thanksgiving, i just felt awful.  not sure why — just worn out, headache, and then nauseous.  SO nauseous.  got off the harlem river drive and had to pull over on 97th street, to throw up!  obviously i didn’t feel like i could get back in the car after that, so plans changed.  as for the rest of the holidays… 

at work we were asked to choose between working new years eve/new years day, or christmas eve/christmas day.  i signed up for new years, but got stuck with christmas because i am the newest.  i’m pretty upset about it.  i don’t see my family that much, and i love christmas.  we can still make the trip after the holiday, but i’m still just really disappointed.

in our house hanukkah is the main holiday, but d knows how i enjoy christmas and how disappointed i am.  last night when i got home from work she had put up christmas stockings!  so fun.  we’re trying to list the “pros” of working on christmas eve and christmas day, but sometimes it’s hard to look on the up side…