i got extra spoiled this morning — d brought nate to tot shabbat, and i stayed home to sleep in.  they ended up staying out longer than i expected, and by the time they got back, it was 11:30 and i was just starting my first cup of coffee.  it was almost naptime, but first we sk.y.ped my dad and stepmother in africa, and had a quick chat.  nate loves the computer, and manages to keep his hands off the keyboard for a few minutes, at least.  he loves seeing himself on the screen, and he loves seeing their faces up close.

so now d and nate are napping, and i’m playing online.  i’m catching up on blogs that i usually read regularly.  my main blog categories are parenting (mostly gay parents, but not entirely), news/politics, gossip, and style (fashion and home).  i have maybe 25 parenting blogs all together, obviously i don’t read any of them every day.  but on a day like today, with tons of down time that feels like a gift, it’s just tons of fun to waste time.  and one of the things i really like on some blogs is when they feature other good ones.  i have some of my favorites listed on the blogroll on the right, but then there are extra interesting ones i just have to recommend.

the first is first time second time, written by two moms who are doing childbearing the way d and i plan on doing it: one gave birth the first time, and the other gave birth the second time.  they both blog, and they are both fantastically smart and insightful.  and not afraid to be honest, which is really great for the rest of us!  i highly recommend.

sometimes i wonder what it would be like to write down everything nate does in one day.  no, i’m not going to.  i just think it would be amusing, starting with “wake up.  nurse.  sit up.  peek over mommy to check if mama is there.  call ‘ma’ to make sure she’s awake, too.  once we’re all awake, call ‘choo.”  you get the idea.

i think this idea came from sending a few photos to my family — my mom emailed back “life is so fun!”  they were just everyday activities, but i loved the point: there is so much to explore, so much to try.

okay, sorry about my nostrils in that one shot.  but that serious face is so sweet.

i’m going back to work tomorrow, after a full month on leave.  i’m looking forward to getting back and to resuming a routine.  BUT i can’t deny that there have been some really fun things about this time off.  the last couple of weeks, i’ve been almost back to normal, so i’ve sort of been playing stay-at-home-mom.  of course, we still have a nanny 15 hours a week, partly because i needed the help in the first few weeks, and also because those are her regular hours.  for any of you who stay home with kids, may i recommend getting a nanny even when you don’t “need” it?  don’t you wish you could?  i’ve been really spoiled, and i’m grateful for it.

nate has a tendency to learn a new word and use it over and over and over, at the beginning not really appropriately.  like when he learned book, he would sit in the car just saying “boo” repeatedly.  last night, he was holding a spoon that i wanted to put in the dishwasher and i took it from him and said “thank you.”  a few minutes later he said “quack you!”  it took us a minute, but we realized he was saying thank you!  and he said it all day today, not necessarily at the right times.  just “quack you!” whenever he felt like it.  we can’t stop laughing.

today nate and i went to the playground with some friends in the neighborhood, and their daughter.  nate is really walking now, and he seemed so happy to be able to follow the other kids around!

almost since nate was born, people want to know what he’s DOING.  is he holding his head up, rolling over, smiling, sleeping through the night, sitting up, mimicking faces, getting teeth, commando crawling, eating solids, regular crawling, standing, cruising, walking, talking…?  what is he DOING?  i find it kind of exhausting.  i love talking about nate more than anything else — i love showing pictures, telling stories, everything.  but i feel so bad for babies and children, always being inspected.

it’s no secret that nate is/was a bit of a late walker and talker, and we’ve had our moments of concern.  we had a long talk with our pediatrician about it at his 18 month visit, and felt good about her evaluation.  we trust her and we felt good about the discussion, but of course it gives us pause.

we were still carrying that around with us a day or two later, when we in a nearby playground, and decided to walk down the block for dinner.  as we passed the toystore where nate loves to play with the “choos,” he tried to steer us inside.  it was early, so we obliged, and he toddled over to the train table.  there was another little boy there, and a harried-looking mom, and she had a little baby, too.  after a minute or two, as we were talking to each other’s kids, we got to talking with the mom, too.  the second sentence out of her nouth was “he’s three he still wears diapers he still takes a bottle at night.”

since then i’ve been noticing just how much confessing moms do.  i try not to take part, but of course i make excuses for – or maybe just jokes about – nate’s limited vocabulary and tiny, toddling steps at 18 months.  i don’t think i degrade him, but i am guilty of mentioning his late developments quickly, before other people can say anything, or before they ask.  i’d rather not be on the defensive.  i just wish i could ease mothers’ minds — barring some huge neglect, i am not going to judge you for your kid’s using a pacifier, taking a bottle, scooting on his tush instead of crawling, or even for his tantrums or rough behavior.

i wish we could all just assume that the other moms around us would be understanding, supportive, and non-judgmental.  certainly plenty of us judge plenty of the time, but don’t you think most moms understand that kids are just doing their own things, working every day to be themselves?

he did commit to overturning don’t ask don’t tell, but there are a lot of people asking WHEN WHEN WHEN.  i don’t need it to be today, and i do understand how much stuff obama has been dealing with since he took office.  it would help, though, if it seemed that something was in the works.  even if he didn’t give dates, i just wish there were some urgency in his actions, not just his words.

obama is always such an incredible speaker, and i did believe what he was saying.  he was certainly received warmly, lots of applause and standing and laughter in all the right places.  i would like to  be more enthusiastic, but there wasn’t a whole lot of new stuff.  i like that he was there – apparently he is the second president to be there, clinton attended in 1997 – but i’m kind of sick of appareciating these little things.  i should be able to ask for more!

i am watching obama’s “big gay speech” at the hrc summit.  i’m not doing any fancy kind of live blogging, but i figured why not put in writing what i think of his keynote speech.

first, i have mixed feelings about this president, but the man?  i can’t help it, i love him.  he is inspiring and brings out the optimist in me, and he’s pretty adorable, and his wife is awesome.  and he’s funny — i love the lady gaga opener.

he just used the phrase change through “compassion and defiance,” i like it.

he referenced stonewall, which is an obvious must.

his “simple message” is that he’s “here with [us], in that fight.”  we’ll see.  everyone’s standing and clapping and i’d like to do the same, but i’m not buying it – i can’t imagine he’s really going to do what we need.  for those of you keeping score, what we NEED is to have DOMA and don’t-ask-don’t-tell repealed.

he is so good.  he says it isn’t for him to tell us to be patient.  amen!  he thinks he should be honest, because he believes in “honesty among friends.”  yup, he’s good.

“do not doubt the direction we are headed, and the destination we will reach.”  is that different from telling us to be patient?  not sure.

he just announced that the hate crimes bill passed, and he will be signing it.  matthew shepard’s parents are there, i can’t even imagine how they feel with that success.  as d just pointed out, it isn’t enough.  definitely not.  but i do hope it brings some sort of peace to the shephards.  i didn’t know it was named for ted kennedy.

he’s standing by an anti-discrimination bill.  okay.

reinvigorating response to hiv/aids.  renewing ryan white program.  rescinding ban on not being allowed to enter the u.s. based on hiv status.

“moving ahead” on don’t ask don’t tell.  you are?  show me the money.  he just made a commitment to end it, and apparently legislation has been introduced in the house.  well, he’s got 3 years.  tick tock, buddy.

he says he’s “called on congress” to repeal DOMA.  okay, great.  does that… does that technically do anything?

he’s doing kind of a “i have gay friends” thing, but i do realize it’s a little different when those friends are in the white house having dinner and rolling easter eggs.

he seems to be closing with a really lovely story about the woman who founded PFLAG.

and now his usual optimistic stuff.  will follow up.

i’ve been absent from my blog for a while, mostly because i’ve been out of commission from my whole life.  nothing i want to discuss here, except to say that i am on the mend from an elective procedure.  i’ve been home a lot (way too much), resting and not doing much, getting sick of it, and not feeling up to blogging.  plus not having anything interesting to say!

nate is a busy little boy, as usual.  he’s a good little walker, although he still isn’t doing it often.  his vocabulary is growing in leaps and bounds, although he still has word “jags” and only wants to talk about “choos” right now (trains).  he’s figured out the difference between trains and cars, and doesn’t mind telling us which is which.  with “truck” thrown in now and then, as well.  he’s also very excited about books and puzzles in the last couple of weeks, and has been spending lots of time playing with them, sometimes just alone quietly, sitting in a big boy chair, very pleased with himself.  oh, the cute.

he’s truly a toddler — curious, funny, cuddly, emotional, hungry, testing boundaries.  so much to say about what it’s like being his mama!  but right now i’m going to get ready for pr0ject runw@y.

there is a week-long series on the sund@nce channel this week about newark, nj — it’s called brick city, and it’s on every night at 10pm until friday.  we’re finding it absolutely fascinating, and only partly because it centers around the city’s mayor, who d grew up with.  he was apparently the only minority in the northern nj high school she went to.  he is a charismatic figure.

i had quite the two-mom experience on saturday, and i just have to tell you about it.

friday night we had rosh hashanah dinner at home with friends, and it was lovely.  i got lots of praise for the meal i made, which made me happy because i worked hard on it.  we drove to nyc saturday morning, where d’s parents live, and then to a new jersey town just outside the city, for dinner with friends of her family.  we see these friends a few times a year, and always have a lovely time.

this time there were two new faces — the business partner of the dad in the family, and his wife, e, who’s maybe around 40 years old.  they got there a little while after we did, and we went down to the playground outside the building, so that nate could play.  he went down the slide, drove his stroller around, and made a couple of new friends among the other people outside.  the adults stood around and talks, with d and me taking turns chasing nate.  beautiful weather, and a pleasant enough conversation.  after maybe half an hour, we all went back upstairs, where we were soon joined by the rest of the party, including the adult daughter of the couple who lives there, and her husband and daughter.  d grew up with this family in her life, and i’ve known them lots of years now.  i have been very welcomed into the fold, and enjoy this extended family very much.

nate had had a relatively early nap in the car, and so was getting cranky by late afternoon.  d and i were passing him back and forth, and at one point i was carrying him, and d and i kind of made eye contact, decided to duck into the bedroom to nurse him (i usually keep her company during those little retreats from the rest of the crowd).  i handed him over and e grabbed my arm and said “is he yours?”  meaning  nate, of course.  i was kind of surprised, since we’d been together a couple of hours at that point.  “yes,” i said, “he’s both of ours.”  blank stare.  “he’s both of ours.”  nothing.  “our son.”  nada.  “d and i are married, and nate is our son.”  huge, saucer-sized eyes from e.  now i was the one with the blank stare, waiting for her to get it.  and what do you think she said?  e: “wow.”  me: “yes.”  e: “wow.”  me: “okay.”  e: “WOW.”  at which point, i did not roll my eyes.  instead i did an about face, and went to the bedroom with d and nate.

i was taken aback by this woman’s ignorance and lack of manners, and was not in the mood to be nice, or educational, or even really polite.  i might have recovered and gone back to being my usual pleasant self, but when i went back out into the living room, i unfortunately went right toward her (what can i say, she was next to the cheese).  now she said “amazing.”  my eyebrows shot up, and she said it again.  in my defense, she did not say “amazing” in an ally-type way.  she said it as if she has literally never enountered a lesbian before, and a two-mom family?  i swear, it was as if she had no idea such a thing existed.  d was much kinder — she sat patiently for the usual questions, and cut the woman some slack.

and for the rest of the evening, i could feel her eyes on me.  let me tell you, it was unbearable.  she kept trying to make eye contact with me, and at one point asked what nate calls us.  “well,” i said, ” right now he doesn’t call us anything; he doesn’t really talk.  he says ‘mama’ or ‘mamamama’ or ‘maymay,’ but it’s just his own words.  i refer to myself as ‘mama,’ and d is ‘mommy.’  he might change it when he is older, which would be fine with us.”  her reaction was… say it with me this time: “wow.”

i am kind of used to being the only lesbian a person knows.  there are – by all reports – no other lesbian nurses at the hospital where i work, at least not any that are out.  i’m one of those lesbians who “passes” pretty well – for better or for worse – and i think i am pretty non-threatening, possibly on purpose.  once people can tell i’m pretty open about my life (at least superficially), they have lots of questions.  about my marriage, my wedding, my son, my family of origin, my partner’s family of origin, past relationships… etc.  and i almost always answer without judging them, completely up front.  except those questions about the donor — i give general information about how the process works, but not details about the donor.  d and i try to keep that information private, believing that it isn’t even really ours to share, it is nate’s, if and when he wants to.

all this brings us to what the real issue is for me.  sometimes i get so sick of being a nice lesbian.  i’m generally not a particularly nice person — i’m friendly, and i’m kind, but i’m not the pollyanna type.  but when people start inquiring about my sexual orientation and my family, i have this need to make them comfortable.  i don’t want to be the intimidating lesbian, the angry lesbian, the impatient lesbian.  i want people to realize that i’m just like them.  my life is not scary, not that different, nothing to worry about. 

and even as i write this, i swear i am getting on my own nerves.  i feel no need to be mean or rude to people, but sometimes i want to scream “leave me a alone!”  and maybe it takes an experience i had the other day – feeling like an animal in a zoo – to bring that out in me.  but perhaps i need to access that part of myself more frequently.  this woman clearly had no interest in making me comfortable.  why would i be concerned with making her comfortable?

tonight is the first night of rosh hashanah — i have much to do to get ready for dinner tonight, but am feeling lazy right now, watching a home renovation show and thinking about laundry, garbage, and the rest of the cooking.  i also haven’t showered yet, which is not good.

tomorrow we are driving to nyc for the second night of the holiday.  i managed to get the day off, but unfortunately i couldn’t get sunday off.  so i am driving back tomorrow night, after dinner.  and then spending the night alone here at home, which is a drag.

nate is getting a new round of teeth, one on each side, somewhere between the ones in front and the molar area.  he is drooling like he hasn’t in a year, and sometimes seems really uncomfortable.  we have some homeopathic teething stuff that really helps, but sometimes i don’t make the connection that it’s the teeth right away.  is he hungry, is he tired, what’s going on?  finally it clicks, and i feel so bad for the pain he’s in.

nate is saying more words, and maybe more importantly, understanding a lot more.  i am kind of opposed to the party tricks that parents have their kids perform, but nate is getting pretty good at the parts of the body, and i’m pretty proud when he shows it off.  he’s learned them pretty organically — e.g., teeth because i ask him to show me his teeth when i get out the toothbrush; foot from when i talk about putting on his shoes.  the whole thing continues to blow my mind.