I’m a Mommy Too!

d and i decided a while back that we didn’t much care what our kids call us, and we like the creativity kids have.  we’ve heard lots of different versions of mother names that kids made up.  we know people who’ve decided what they’re going to be called, and refer to themselves that way before the baby talks (just like hetero parents).  but neither of us felt the desire to be called anything in particular (although we don’t want to be called by our first names), so we thought we’d let them feel it out.

now, though, we’re not so sure.  obviously we’re already talking to nate a lot, and it’s kind of funny saying “okay, i’m going to give you to other mommy,” stuff like that.  still, i feel a pull to let nate figure out what feels right, and i couldn’t possibly be as clever as kids are with what we’d be called.

any lesbian moms/moms to be, what are you called?  how and when did you come up with it?  does it work for you?

i just need to make sure you all read about the philadelphia gay news and their interview with senator clinton.

this is the front page article — note the blank space under obama’s picture, because he declined to interview.  here’s what they say about that:

“At this point in the Democratic presidential campaign, we’re able to view the candidates by their actions. And we have found that Sen. Barack Obama would rather talk at the LGBT community than with them…The fact is that Obama has spoken with the gay press only twice, and one of those interviews…was in 2004, before he became a U.S. senator. The other limited interview occurred after controversy erupted when his campaign added an anti-gay minister to his tour of the South. It has now been 1,522 days since Obama has been accessible to our community.”

 

nate’s been sleeping 2-3 hours at a stretch, which i have to say impresses me.  he’s been going to sleep in the co-sleeper and once he wakes up, we feed him and he usually stays in the bed with us after that.  there’s also usually at least one time a night when he wakes up not wanting to eat, but not going back to sleep.  then one of us gets up and walks him, or rocks him, whatever.  last night he really wouldn’t settle — so i tried the swing for the first time!  and we were both (all three, actually) so happy.  he watched the lights for a while, then dozed off (so did i, on the floor).  he settled into a sleep so deep, i was able to pick him up and take him to the bedroom and put him back into the co-sleeper, all without waking him.  i’m sure most parents know the miracle of the swing.  but people, if you don’t have one, buy this!

this morning we slept in with him, as usual.  then i took him out for his debut!  i bundled him up a little, as it’s chilly out there.  then i put him in his sling.  i’ve wanted a baby for so long (way before it was a real plan, way before it made any sense in my life).  and this sling thing, for some reason it’s always played a key role in my baby fantasy.  so this morning, i put him in, and he fell sound asleep.  i walked strutted to the coffee shop on the corner, and then to the bookstore.  it was a strange and wonderful feeling to be the one with the baby everyone’s staring at.  a couple of people complimented me on how good i looked for having a 10 day old baby!  i had to confess that “his other mom gave birth,” but i worked on not sounding apologetic about it.  and i felt good about that wording, because it doesn’t take away from my being his mom.  it’s a positive statement, not a negative one.  mostly i just grinned like an idiot and snuggled nate.

i did have a few moments when people complimented me on how gorgeous he is, or asked how old, and i wanted to say “thank you ten days i didn’t give birth to him.”  i’m not sure why i felt that.  even in my progressive neighborhood, people assume i’ve given birth, and by walking around with such a teeny babe, i feel like i’m lying.  like i’m just letting them believe i pushed him out.  i know i shouldn’t feel that way, and i don’t want to.  it’s just another dimension to this process — dealing with other people’s assumptions, and not taking them in.  not letting them rule my relationship with nate, or my unconventional little family.

my family of origin is not conventional either, and it feels good to remind myself of that.  i come from a long line of political radicals on my mom’s side, and i know they would applaud my living the life i want.  when d and i got together, my beloved grandmother was still alive.  she wasn’t the woman she had once been, but she still had plenty of lucid moments.  i wrote her a letter to tell her that i was in a relationship with a woman – not because i couldn’t tell her in person, but because alzheimers made conversation difficult.  she was born in 1912, which would make her close to 90 when i wrote her that letter.  i think she had already met d at the time, and instantly loved her because d is tall (what can i say, we’re a short family and she was easily impressed).  the next time grandma saw us, she told me that if people gave me a hard time or didn’t accept us, “fuck ‘em.”  easy for her to say — not because she was straight, but because she lived her life that way.  i like to think i’m similar to her, but i don’t have that kick, that ability to do what i want without worrying about others’ judgments.  i think of her all the time, watching my life and nodding, “atta girl!  don’t apologize for who you are!”  when i have a moral or ethical dilemma, or even sometimes a personal one, d frequently asks me what my grandmother would do.  it’s a great compass, and often guides my actions.  the way i do it is different, but she would even love that.

we’ve been home a week!  last night was his first bath and manicure, which he did not enjoy.  he loved being wrapped up afterwards though, and we had our best sleep so far.  he woke up every few hours to cry and eat, and pretty much let us sleep in between.  except i woke up to make sure he was breathing, and to stare at him.  his hands crack me up, the way he gestures and conducts and sucks his knuckles.

my mom was here for a few days — nate was excited to meet his other grandma.  and we were excited to take some naps in the afternoons, while she took care of him.  he actually slept too, but it’s a different kind of nap when you don’t have to listen for the baby.

d and i are constantly in dialogue about whether we are going to stay in philly permanently, or move somewhere else.  we’re settled here - jobs, home, friends - but my family is pretty far away, which is hard, especially now that we’re a growing family.  also, there’s a lot of crime in philly.  we’re not suburbs people; we like living in a city.  but even in our little liberal haven with food co-op, woods nearby, rainbow flags up and down the block, etc, we worry about the break-ins and muggings — there are lots.  we’ve had dozens of conversations about moving back to nyc, so many it gets on our own nerves.

in the last few months - but even more, in the last week - things feel so different.  with every major event in our lives, we put down more roots.  and believe me, we cannot leave the nursery mural any time soon!  but since nate was born, our minds have been blown by our community.  we have people coming to visit, bringing us food, calling, sending things.  we knew we were loved, but sometimes you don’t notice how much support you have until something like a baby.  and we’re pleasantly surprised.

nap time…

just thought i’d post a little update… we’re doing pretty great, though of course very tired!

we’ve had two nights at home.  the first was a little hairy, which i think is the norm.  last night was ten times better, especially because the feeding is going better.  nate, d and i have been working so hard.  the house feels like a disaster, but gradually we’ll get used to having ten times more things on our plate than we’re used to.  i was commenting today that our life was already full and busy, and now there’s a whole new life’s worth of things to do.

here’s a pic i love:

that isn’t really what he looks like most of the time, but it’s really cute.  here’s documentation of his first trip to the pediatrician:

but of course that one doesn’t show is amazing hair.  you can, however, appreciate his nose, right?  what kind of baby nose is that?  it’s irresistible.  there are more pics in my flickr account, but i can’t really post them all here i guess.

the first day or two, i started feeling really confused about my role.  what he needs more than anything is to eat, and it’s hard that only d can give him that.  i know people adopt all the time, but it’s really weird when someone else is breast feeding.  i was just feeling so… extra.  why am i here?  i called a friend whose partner recently gave birth, just to vent and ask if she had felt similarly.  she absolutely did, and sometimes still does.  it doesn’t bother me that she still struggles with it at times — we all keep evolving, and her struggle changes, and mine will too.  so will everyone’s.  she gave me a great pep talk about how ground-breaking this is, how we have each other to look to for support, but not that many people really get it.  in more practical terms, she told me that i cannot allow nate to know any of my fears.  she told me to take off my shirt and get some skin to skin time.  i tried that, i told her, but he got confused and wanted to nurse.  she told me so what, he’ll figure it out, and so will you.  he has two mothers, and he needs to know it.  so that second night, when it was my turn to sit up, i sat in the glider with my shirt off and he fell asleep.  woke up a few hours later in bed, with him sleeping on my chest.  i have no idea how or when i got into bed!  but it was the best i’d seen him sleep.  my heart felt so full when i saw that, and i felt so proud.

i feel really comfortable with babies, and that’s in my favor right now — i’m not insecure about taking care of a newborn.  i didn’t expect to be thrown for such a loop.  it isn’t just that we’re two moms; i think a lot of the challenge is the fact that we are both primary caregivers.  there’s no default go-to person, which isn’t really common.  we were both raised by two parents who were/are totally involved in our lives, but we haven’t seen this co-parenting thing done.  my parents each parented individually (at least as far back as i can remember), and d’s mom was always definitely primary.  co-parenting is totally new to us, and we don’t know yet how the division of labor will look.

we’re definitely making it up as we go along, as all new parents do.  i feel like we have an extra challenge because we have so few role models.  none in the public sphere, really.  but what else is new?  i turn on the tv, open a magazine, go online.  i have to search REALLY hard to find inspiration and modeling of what i want.  lesbian moms, you know what i mean.  there isn’t much looking outward (don’t get me wrong — there’s some), more looking inward.  at what we really believe, what our strengths truly are.  no gender roles to fall back on, no prescribed tasks.  exciting.  but it means we have to dig deep and find out what we want our life to look like.

can do.

what a weekend, what a wife, what a baby.

nathaniel oscar was born monday, march 24 at 8:16.am  the labor and delivery were pretty rough, but they’re not exactly mine to tell publicly!  i do just want to brag about how unbelievable d is.  i know every says that after they see their wives in labor, but to see this woman in action — it was such a privilege.  i knew she was emotionally and mentally strong, but it turns out she’s a powerhouse physically, as well. (not an athlete, my ass!)  as for nate, he is exceptionally beautiful.  pictures soon.

thank you all so much for your comments, emails, calls, etc.  d and i are exhausted and drunk with love — for nate and for our huge support network.  what’s that about it taking a village???

yesterday marked 37 weeks, which means that d can give birth at the birth center, since she’s considered full term.  well, last night she celebrated by going into labor!  it became clear over the course of a few hours that her water had broken.  the crazy thing is that our dear friend and doula happened to be at our house, the three of us were making our birth plan.  after some discussion with the midwife, she advised us to stay home and get some rest, since there were no contractions and d is gbs negative.  d’s mother came by train a little before midnight, and we all went to bed a couple of hours after that.  we were up and down all night (especially d), but got a good few hours sleep in the early morning.  we went to the birth center around 8 this morning, for a non-stress test and some bloodwork, as well as vital signs.  everything looks perfect — he’s happy in there, moving around, doing what he’s supposed to be doing.

so now we’re home.  we took naps, we’re watching bad reality tv, timing contractions, reading magazines… all the stuff people say you do in early labor!  my sister decided to fly down for the big event, so she’ll be here this evening.  the midwife (who has a gazillion years experience and is great) said that oxytocin levels tend to go up in the evening, so we’ll see what happens later on!

stay tuned…

d and i are in heaven.  our best girls came over with their sleeves rolled up.  with the four of us hard at work today, we got major stuff moved to the basement; vacuumed the whole downstairs, the nursery, our bedroom including under the bed, the stairs, part of the basement; put the rug down; arranged the furniture; put the swing together; the pack and play together; the bouncy seat together; the stroller together.  did 3 loads of baby laundry (no, that’s not even all his clothes); 2 loads of grown-up laundry; got rid of all the boxes the stuff came in.  unpacked some of baby’s books into the bookcase; cleaned the litter boxes; put away various and sundry.

don’t know if i’ve ever felt so satisfied!

we spent last weekend in nyc, for baby shower #2.  we had lots of fun — and got LOTS of stuff.  we got home and realized we’ve gotten almost every single big item!  the only thing we hadn’t received was the co-sleeper, so we used a generous check from a family friend, and got that too.  then on monday, there was a shower for me at work!  they shopped off the registry, which is equally exciting because i got so many adorable outfits and hats and washcloths and receiving blankets, etc.  my favorite thing is a little ad*das track suit, red and blue.

this weekend is more baby stuff — the house!  now that d is 36 weeks (and two days!) i’m feeling like it’s time to really go for it with the preparation.  easier said than done.  we’re almost done with the nursery (i think?) and today is baby’s first laundry!  i asked one of the midwives whether it was perhaps a myth that you should wash all the baby’s clothes first?  an old wives’ tale?  she said it can’t hurt, babies are more sensitive to dyes, lint, stuff like that.  she said wash it with special baby soap and do an extra rinse.  the midwives are all pretty laid back, so i figure if they recommend it, i may as well.  if he were biologically related to me, i’d figure he’s come out of the womb sneezing.  regardless, though, you never know if he’ll have extra sensitive skin.  and considering how much stuff he has, i may as well get on it!

so, here’s what we’re getting done.

the nursery — clean up the floor (paint drips), arrange the furniture, put down the rug
vacuuming — all three floors
laundry — our stuff and baby’s
clean linen closet — make room for more storage
put the books (ours and baby’s) and bookcases (ours and baby’s) where they need to be
get some gear put together

that last one seems to be the hardest!  d is - by her own admission - terrible at following directions, it’s one of her funny quirks.  and i’m having trouble staying still long enough to accomplish one task.  i keep going up and down the stairs, rearranging things, and telling d she’s doing things wrong.  did you know there’s a right and wrong way and time to put baby books on shelves?  don’t worry, i’m here to help.