Posted by: mommytoo | March 3, 2008

what to worry about next?

when things go well, i’m happy but… confused.  worrying is a full time job, not as my paid one.  but what can i say?  it’s my calling.  however.  our baby is healthy; d is healthy; things are coming together.  as we speak, there are two guys in our nursery, putting together the crib.  i put annie in our bedroom to keep her from going nuts at them when they came inside, and she got out.  disaster!  but no, she just barked once and is now laying by my feet in the dining room, totally well behaved.  crazy.

but i haven’t shown you all the mural yet!

come on, tell me that’s not the cutest thing you’ve ever seen.  i dare you!

last week when i got to work, there was a sign up about my baby shower.  the sign is right in the break room, in front of you when you walk into the room, along with announcements and stuff like that.  it’s a weird experience.  i’m out at work, but there are a lot of staff members including nurses, docs, admin staff, etc, whom i’ve never had occasion to come out to (so of course they assume i’m straight, i mean i have long hair!).  so now every day there’s someone who looks at me confused and says “you’re pregnant?!”  cause i may have a leeeettle bit of a belly, but not like i’m 34 weeks along.  and i say “no, my partner is,” or “i’m married to a woman, she’s pregnant” — something along those lines.  it’s interesting; i am learning that there are people i’ve purposely not come out to.  it’s hard for me to admit that.  it’s just that i have an irritating desire for everyone to approve of me — i’m working on getting that under control!  and i guess this is helping, because i will never not be out.  my co-workers have been great – in that they don’t seem to care much, other than some curiosity – and that sets the standard for those that might otherwise show some homophobia.  and truly, i think it’s a good thing that i’m being pushed into coming out.  it’s good practice for when the baby arrives!  i’m going to (try to) model openness about who i am, who i love, what’s important to me… all that stuff.  our kids might even know that it’s hard for me, that would be okay.

okay, but then the other day i walked into a patient’s room, and the patient’s daughter asked “you’re pregnant?”  i was caught off guard, and just said “noooo….” and her sister said “you just had a baby?” still totally confused.  “there’s another kira?” “noooo…”  turns out they went to get some water from the breakroom, and saw the sign.  that made me really uncomfortable.  when i told them, they were very sweet.  but i never come out to patients.  i mean if they asked, i guess i would.  but no one really asks, and even though some people might volunteer private information about husbands and kids and even moms and sisters, i really don’t.  i wonder if i’d be different with a husband, i’m not sure.

i guess i’m just learning to navigate the world as a lesbian mom, and it’s not that easy!

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Responses

  1. Wow, that mural is amazing! Lucky baby!

  2. The mural is really nice – are those your fur babies in there? Also I tagged you for the book meme – what are you reading?

  3. That’s an amazing mural! I love the bunnies. I’ve been reading your blog for a few months and I’m on a mission to start commenting – so here I am.


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