heartbreaker

nate got his first round of real vaccines the other day.  i guess i was hoping against hope that it wouldn’t be that bad, that he might not really notice — but he HATED it.  he doesn’t scream that often, at least not for very long.  but it was a rough day after that.  he was pretty inconsolable, totally unlike him.  poor j had to babysit with him like that.

but i alsmost started crying, myself!  it’s so cliche, but when the nurse said the last one (of four) burns a little, and then she did it and he let out that screech… my heart just broke in two.

what was also hard was that the only thing that calmed him down was breastfeeding.  we had planned to put him right on d’s breast because obviously it’s the most comforting thing for him.  and it helped, and that’s what mattered, and it’s still hard sometimes.  d keeps reminding me that this phase – him being interested in only sleeping and eating – is time limited.  she told me that a friend of hers, also a new mom, said that when her baby really started smiling and interacting, it felt incredible because there was a real relationship, not just doing for the kid.  it really resonated for me.  i love this phase, i’ve always loved infants.  but just like everyone says, it’s really trying at times!  i look forward to a time when he looks at me and says, in his own way, i see you, or this is fun, or i love you, or even thank you!  and a giggle counts as a thank you, for sure.  it takes a lot of confidence to trust that even though he doesn’t know me the way he knows d (her smell, or just that comfort is near), we do have a connection.  and i am important, it’s just hard for him to express it right now.

making this much more difficult is working.  i’m really sick of my job right now, i think because i know i’m leaving (albeit temporarily) in a few weeks.  i really like the work i do, but there are a couple of people really making it difficult for me to enjoy.  i think taking two whole months will be wonderful for my relationship with nate, and will lessen my work resentment.

meanwhile, it’s an incredible joy and privilege watching nate… live.  it’s just unbelievable to witness his development, and to see a tiny person who lives completely in his own self.  each moment is just what it is, each need gets all his focus.  i think every day i comment on his complete lack of self-consciousness.  it’s truly inspiring!

also, we saw sex and the city and we loved it!