Posted by: mommytoo | February 13, 2009

some/thing blue

it’s friday of freedom to marry week!  in case you haven’t read the last few posts, i will remind you that i am taking part in an activity hosted by the other mother, blogger extraordinaire.  having written a few things about old, new, and borrowed, i’m on to number 4.

Something badge ftm 2009

something blue… these days, my brain is all babies, all the time.  almost all the time, i should say, because my work days are definitely NOT about babies, for which i am grateful.  in baby land, blue represents boy.  when we learned d was carrying a boy, our mouths dropped open.  d is not a man-hating lesbian – in fact, as a child, her bestests were often boys – but as one friend put it, it was kind of amazing that her body could make boy parts!  i ended up being really glad we had found out the sex at 20 weeks, because i wouldn’t want baby’s first moments to be marked by our shock and fears.  i, for one, know very little about boys.  i have only sisters, i went to a women’s college, i have always been closer to women and girls.  i am a mama’s girl, a grandma’s girl, a girls’ girl.  and all this is – in a strange way – separate from my orientation — even when i was dating men as a young(er) woman, and perfectly content that way, i felt more connected to women.

once i got over the shock and wonder that we were having a boy, i started to realize how free this could make me.  i think i’m pretty good at being a woman, and sometimes just a bit (!) judgmental about what that means.  being a man, however… how does one become a strong, loving, talented, fulfilled man?  i have no idea, although i have a few books that are helping me learn not how to be one, but how to help one grow up.  i am someone who has trouble letting go of my preconceptions, and although i have preconceptions about sex, gender, and gender roles (who doesn’t?), i openly admit that don’t’ know what boys do.  i watch nate, and i don’t know what it would be like if we had a girl instead, but i feel so open to whatever he becomes.  some people say their sons are “all boy,” and i know what they mean i guess.  active, getting into everything, more doing and less talk about doing.  but this kid, he’s all nate.  it’s pretty fantastic.

a friend of mine has told me a few times that she thinks the world needs men like the ones we’ll raise.  and i agree — i’m so excited.

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