Posted by: mommytoo | March 16, 2009

sing it loud, so i can hear you

today was my fourth 12-hour shift in a row, and i’m so glad to be home.  i have a class at work for a few hours tomorrow morning, but then i’ll come home and spend some time with nate and d.  i feel like i have a million things to do, and it’s hard to do almost anything with a baby!

life update… as of mid-april, i am officially a part-time employee.  i’ll work 2 shifts a week instead of 3, and have to pay more for our insurance benefits, so that’s a big hit to my paycheck.  but it will make it easier to take classes, and we’ll worry less about child care (and pay less).  i’ve decided that even if i’m mainly working for benefits, it’s still worth it.  i am trying to figure out my classes, but somehow it’s really complicated to enroll.  red tape red tape red tape.

i got home tonight and nate had apparently been in a bad mood all day.  he had fallen asleep nursing in the living room and woke up when i walked in.  after i changed my clothes i came down and went to pick him up from d’s lap, and as soon as i was holding him, he reached back for her.  which he does sometimes.  so he was back on her lap, and i rubbed his back, and he pushed my hand away.  sometimes he does that when he’s cranky, the kind of mood where he throws anything (toy, food) onto the floor.  i was so hurt.  once he woke up more i brought him upstairs and put on his pajamas, and rocked with him for a while.  d was walking the dog, and once she’s out of the room it is easier for him to accept comfort from me.  which is so hard for me.

i sang to him for a while (his new favorite is “i will” by the beatles) and he fell asleep straddling me, head on my chest.  i just kept rocking and rocking, more for myself at that point than for him.  i thought about how it’s relatively easy for me to understand that i am nate’s mama — i feel it in my heart.  but being a mama isn’t easy, and a mother’s relationship with her child doesn’t just fall into place without working on it.  this struggle is different from the one many mothers go through, and it’s hard that i don’t get to hear about other moms like me, it makes me feel invisible sometimes.  but i sat rocking with nate, and put my cheek on the top of his slightly sweaty head, and listened to him breathe, and i got through another beatles song, plus some james taylor and dixie chicks, all while he slept, with total trust in me.



  1. Good luck going part time. Hopefully the breathing room will feel good for all three of you.

    Regarding those jabs of baby rejection, yes, they are really hard. And even though all parents go through them, I do think it can be harder (or at least a little different) when you feel this pressure to have an extra-strong relationship with Nate since you are starting without a genetic or nursing connection. As long as you keep building your relationship with Nate, just like you already are, the sting will fade.

    No matter which direction the “preference” is swinging (and it has definitely gone both ways, often triggered by one or the other of us traveling for work), we try to take it as a cue to get the kiddo more alone time with the other parent. Maybe your part time schedule will help with that. If you ever need a been-there/done-that empathetic ear, please feel free to e-mail (you can find the address on our blog).

  2. I totally agree with Lyn that Mateo needs some non-mom (me) time sometimes to re-bond with Maria. When he is around her by himself, he has a great time and is affectionate with her. When I’m around, more rejection occurs. It’s hard. My partner can totally empathize with you.

    Congrats on the part-time. I have decided to stay home full-time next year. So excited!

  3. My partner and I will soon be TTC and I will be the non bio-mom. I appreciate your openess about the varying situations and feelings you encounter as the other mother. I just stumbled onto your blog, but ook forward to reading more of your blog in the future.

  4. […] few weeks ago i posted some thoughts and feelings i’d been having about the challenges of being an NGP.  i got some […]

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