Posted by: mommytoo | October 11, 2010

tick tock

i think it was around this time in d’s pregnancy that i started getting the nesting bug.  i was kind of crazy, even without the hormones that are apparently responsible for the homemaking frenzy new almost-parents get.  so far, this time around, that bug has for sure not kicked in.  the list-making has started happening, but… well, i’m not really doing anything about it.  there may be a disconnect between desire and energy level.

granted, i have 14 or so weeks until this baby arrives.  but in some ways it feels like there is more to do this time, because we need to sort through what we have, clean it (or trash it, if it is damp and disgusting from the basement), figure out what else we need, make space for what we need (3 bedrooms is not that much room for 4 people and 4 animals).  all while i’m in school, both of us are working and when not working, spending time with a toddler.  on the bright side, this time i have the preparation stuff in perspective.

looking on the bright side of the last few months, i probably have a lot of things in perspective, which is not something i’ve always been able to say.  this pregnancy has not been what i always dreamed, but the big stuff – healthy pregnancy, apaprently healthy baby – has remained.  with every wrench in our plans, there is still a sense of we are lucky.  and therefore a dose of i am grateful.  we have always talked about how lucky we are, even before we had a healthy kid.  but the last few months, i have learned a lot about allowing myself grief, while working not to get so lost in it that i forget what a person can live without. 

i am still so sad and scared about what difficulties this child will come across, and what challenges we’ll face, as parents of a child who is different.  i am resisting the urge to apologize for that, because it is a normal thing to feel, even as i add, in the same breath, how incredibly fortunate i am to have everything i have, including two sons.  it’s amazing, how many true things you can hold in your heart, when you let yourself.

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